If you find yourself feeling an overwhelming urge to forgive people who have deeply hurt you, and you can’t understand why this pull is so strong, there’s a reason for this that has nothing to do with weakness or being “too forgiving.”
The desire to forgive those who hurt us is instinctive, and it comes from a place of powerlessness that we experienced as children.
When we were small and completely dependent on our parents for survival, our brains developed a powerful drive to bond with them, no matter how they treated us. This wasn’t a choice we made consciously, it was a biological imperative. Our brains were hardwired to forgive because maintaining that connection was literally a matter of life and death.
Even when our parents hurt us, our survival instincts made us find ways to reconcile and maintain the bond.
This strategy was vital to our early childhood survival, but as adults, it can create problems. The same urge that once kept us safe can now keep us in harmful relationships or make it hard to set healthy boundaries. Understanding this is freeing.
That pull to forgive isn’t evidence that you should forgive, it’s evidence of how hard your brain worked to keep you safe when you were vulnerable and dependent.
As an adult, you have choices your child self didn’t have. You can acknowledge the survival instinct and still decide what supports your healing today. That might include forgiveness, or it might mean distance, boundaries, or holding people accountable.
Your instinct to forgive shows the strength of the child who survived. Your freedom now lies in choosing what best supports the adult you have become.
Continue your healing journey with Toxic by Jackie Poet a compassionate guide to understanding and overcoming the lasting effects of childhood trauma.
